I have never followed this method. On the contrary, it was because I had myself been so discouraged by such methods that, when I finally came to the Lord, I decided to just give myself up to Him. This gift of myself was the best satisfaction I could hope to make for my sins. I realized that only out of pure love for Him could I renounce all the other concerns and interests of the world.

   During my early years of seeking God I did use methods. I would set aside specific times to devote my thoughts to death, judgment, heaven, hell or my sins. I did this for years. But during the rest of the day I began doing something else. I spent the rest of my time, even in the midst of my business, carefully turning my mind to the presence of God. I always considered that His presence was with me, even in me! 

   Finally I even gave up using those set times of prayer for any type of methodical devotion which was a great delight and comfort to me. I began to use my regular times of devotion in the same way I did the rest of my time, in fixing my mind on the presence of God. This new practice revealed to me even more of the worth of my Lord. Faith alone, not a method, and certainly not fear, was able to satisfy me in coming to Him.

   That was my beginning.

   The next ten years were very hard, and I suffered a great deal. I was afraid I was not as devoted to God as I wanted to be; my past sins were always present in my mind; and there was the problem of undeserved favors which God bestowed upon me! These matters were the source of my sufferings.

   During this period I often fell, yet just as often I rose again. Sometimes it seemed that all creation, reason and even the Lord Himself were against me…and faith alone was for me. I was troubled with the thought that perhaps it was pure presumption on my part to believe I had received favor and mercy from God, and that this presumption only pretended to have taken me to a point that others arrived at only after going through many difficult stages. On occasion I even thought perhaps my simple touch with God was just a willful delusion on my part, and that I didn’t even have salvation! 

   Amazingly, all those doubts and fears did not diminish my trust in God but rather served to increase my faith. Finally, I came to the realization that I should put aside all thoughts which brought about these times of trouble and unrest. Immediately I found myself changed. My soul, which had been so troubled, then felt a profound sense of inward peace and rest.

   Ever since that time I have walked before God in simple faith. I have walked there with humility and love. Now I have but one thing to do: to apply myself diligently to being in God’s presence, and to do nothing and say nothing that would displease Him. I hope that when I have done what I can, He will do with me whatever He pleases.  

Practicing His Presence - Brother Lawrence