It is natural to want to have a good friend whom you admire and like. It is a great pleasure in life to have friends, but friendships can be full of danger, especially if you live in community with a close circle of people.

   As a member of the Body of Christ, you no longer belong to yourself. In a group that meets to honor the Lord Jesus, you must guard against forming special friendships. These will lead to cliques or a party spirit. Sometimes, when someone you like has been hurt, you become emotionally involved and “pick up their offense.” This will cause division in a house faster than anything I know. You are soon plotting and chatting in secret and a sense of divisiveness permeates the entire affair. Of course you appear to yourself without blame, and insist you are only standing up for what is right. 

   Others watching this are harmed. You set a bad example for them and usually force them, in a subtle way, to take sides. On top of this I just want to tell you that jealousy comes between two people who are devoted to the same friend. Each fears the other will be preferred. And what problems this causes! 

   Furthermore, when you have a special or favorite friend, it puts that person in a difficult spot. A person who is loved by another often makes the whole community jealous or critical. They either want to enter into a special friendship also, or are critical for what they think that person to be. Often there is suspicion and misjudgment. Everyone is caught up in looking at someone other than Jesus. Finally, you harm yourself. You can become so preoccupied with others that you lose sight of the lordship of Jesus in your life. You spend less time alone with Him. You think of your friends and neglect your Lord. And as you say, “I can handle this relationship,” watch out!

   Try not to single people out to love them. Love equally all those God asks you to love. If you know you are preoccupied with a friendship, try to cure yourself little by little. See all people as they are—with their good and bad points. Then you will not romanticize them. What is your self-nature getting out of these unhealthy attachments? This is something you ought to look at. Love your friends in and for God, and not for what they give you. Don’t be so selfish.    

The Seeking Heart - Francois Fenelon